Sad and Confused...

Here I am sitting.. reading up some info from various websites... Nothing wrong right? ...then all of a sudden.. I feel an overwhelming desire to cry. That isn't normal. My heart feels so heavy. I am so confused. This is supposed to be a liberating experience. Why do I feel this way? I don't know why I want to cry. I don't know why my heart feels heavy.. but I think that I need to let my tears flow... (after I lock myself in my room). Any thoughts as to why this is happening? 

Another thing.. I am so confused. I am a solitary pagan trying to find my way along this path. I am in a country where anything non-christian is seen as the devil's work... so I can't find help here. My boyfriend is very supportive of my choice... or should I say tolerant? He is an atheist so he really doesn't see the point but will allow me to construct an altar in his room and the like. I can only rely on an online community for interaction.. podcasts and websites for information and.. well.. I still feel alone.  I don't know how to worship the Goddess... I don't know how to pray.. I try to and I just feel like I'm either failing miserably or I am not putting out enough. I actually feel self-conscious trying to pray. Sometimes I wonder if I really believe in what I subscribe to. So many times I wonder if I really like what I say I like ... even little things like a favourite colour. I second guess myself all the time. Maybe that's why I need to cry. I want to find my spirit and animal guides... I want to find my patron goddess (I'm thinking of Bast).. It all makes sense to me.. but ... what is wrong with me? 

 I am constantly plagued with migraines and tension headaches for many years now.. I.. don't know...

...

................. Sigh.. 

More than likely no one will read this anyway...